The Box
by th3ladyb
Summary: What I believe to be the most likely return scenario for a classic post-Endgame J/C; with a few liberties of my own. A not-at-all shocking revelation has Seven of Nine leaving Chakotay in the dust. Will Kathryn and Chakotay be able to break seven years of habit and admit how much they haven't changed?
1. Chapter 1

**Standard disclaimer: I don't own Voyager, the characters or the Voyager franchise. I'm just having fun playing with the characters.**

Chakotay eyed the drawer again.

He was sitting in his classroom at the Academy. He'd accepted the offer to teach anthropology, and found that he loved it just as much as he thought he would, if not more. He'd thought about whether or not he'd stay in Starfleet a lot in the days leading up to Voyager's triumphant return to the Alpha Quadrant, but once he arrived the decision had been surprisingly simple.

He'd been in space a long time, and didn't particularly feel like going to space again.

Chakotay opened the drawer.

The box had been in the desk as long as he'd been at the Academy; about three months now. Before that it had been in a different drawer in the nightstand beside his bed in his quarters on Voyager. It had only left that spot one other time, for a few weeks, where it had been placed in a small box of other treasures that he kept under his bed on New Earth. He hadn't opened the box in a long time, but Seven of Nine had just left.

_"Chakotay?" She stepped in the door, look uncharacteristically unsure. She stayed there in the doorway, not quite looking at him with her hands clenched behind her back._

_ "Hey!" he said, genuinely happy to see her. "I was beginning to think I'd have to file a missing person's report!"_

_ "I do apologize for the lack of communication," she began, finally meeting his eyes. "It was not my intention to worry you. After our last conversation I felt the need to determine, on my own, whether or not to continue with this relationship."_

_ "What?!" He was caught off-guard. He couldn't remember saying anything so serious during their last date. They'd just had dinner and then he'd walked her to the transport hub and then that was it._

_ "At dinner," her face looked more normal now. She was less unsure, fixing her eyes on him with a single raised eyebrow. He often thought that her look of pure incredulity when she thought someone was being unreasonable, stupid or inefficient was probably the first truly human behavioral tick she'd ever had. "I casually suggested that we might consider cohabitation in light of the difficulty we've had in scheduling time with one another. You did not refuse, but you changed the subject and seemed to have no interest in entertaining the idea. I did not find this offensive, but it is not like you to deviate from a topic of conversation like that and the behavior is not consistent with what I know about human relationships." She took a deep breath. "I came here to inform you that I have decided to discontinue our romantic relationship."_

_ "What!" he was visibly agitated now. It was the most ridiculous thing he'd ever heard. "Over that?" _

_ "Actually, no" she said, still alarmingly more comfortable than she'd looked walking into the office. "I believe I found an explanation for your behavior while reviewing your personal logs over the last few years."_

_ "My logs?" he felt that he should be enraged. He was… sort of. He was still struck by how an innocuous change in subject could have resulted in this bizarre confrontation now._

_ "Yes," she said. "I apologize for the breach in privacy, but our last meeting is not the only time during our brief relationship where you've been difficult to communicate with. If you were more forthcoming I might have pursued the subject with you directly. However, in the past, similar efforts have not resulted in your being forthcoming, and I decided that approaching you directly might be an inefficient use of my time."_

_ "Well," he swallowed. She was standing in front of him, terminating their relationship as she would a defective circuit, and she was acting just as casually. "What did you find that made you come to this… conclusion?"_

_ "Of course," she said, suddenly seeming to realize that she hadn't clued him in to the real purpose behind her sudden action. She looked down again, her fortitude seeming to waver. "Chakotay, I believe you are 'in love,'" she struggled with the words, as though she was still having trouble understanding the meaning of them, "with Captain Janeway."_

_ The shock was a punch to the chest. He tried to speak, several times. He would begin, and then stop. He looked behind him, at his desk; at the drawer._

_ "Why?" he said. "Why would you think that?"_

_ "There are several references to your feelings for her throughout your logs. There were not many in the recent year, but I see no evidence in the logs or in your behavior that leads me to believe those feelings have changed."_

_ "I did feel that way at one time Seven, but," he stopped. Seven had put up her hand. It was the first time he'd seen her use a cue like that. _

_ "Understand Chakotay that I don't expect you to be more forthcoming, and that I am not hurt by this revelation. I'm actually quite flattered that you considered me a worthy replacement. But I'm sure that I would only be a replacement, and not an adequate one. Even if I were, I believe that this history would add a level of complication and complexity to our relationship that I am not ready for."_

_ "It sounds like you've made up your mind," he said softly. It was incredibly difficult sometimes, to argue with Seven._

_ "I believe I made that clear." She was raising her eyebrow again. "I hope to continue our relationship in a friendship capacity."_

_ "I don't know if you're aware of how cliché that sounds," he almost laughed, but didn't._

_ "Actually the Doctor mentioned it to me when I discussed this impending conversation with him."_

_ "You talked to the Doctor about this?"_

_ "Chakotay," she seemed unwilling to tolerate his tendency to change the subject any longer. "I am not only doing this solely for my own benefit. You love the Captain. You have always loved the Captain. She is no longer your Captain. You are no longer in a command structure. A relationship with me is an inefficient use of your time." _

_ He smiled, faintly. He was still in shock, amazed that all of this had taken place in ten minutes or less. He wasn't sure what to say. _

_ But the expression on his face seemed to satisfy her, and she calmly left, presumably to tackle the rest of her to-do list._

Chakotay opened the box.


	2. Chapter 2

It just wasn't the same.

Kathryn snorted, realizing how ridiculously banal that sounded, but it was true.

_Of course it isn't the same. You don't have a ship. You don't have a crew. You're home. You're free._

She missed it.

_Not entirely true._

Of course not. She missed not having coffee by herself. She missed not having dinner alone. She missed constantly having an ear, and constantly having a reply.

_Don't be ridiculous. You haven't had a meal alone since the day you got back._

It wasn't the same.

She really was being ridiculous. The companionship habit she'd fallen into was so hard to break that her personal log entries were starting to sound like letters. She had one-sided conversations with him, imagining that somehow he could hear her.

_My mother asked me if I'd entertained the idea of a romantic relationship while I was gone Chakotay. I didn't know how to answer her. What would you have said?_

Ridiculous.

What was even more ridiculous was that she couldn't bring herself to actively seek him out now that they were back on Earth. They were best friends weren't they? What was stopping her from calling? What was stopping her from dropping by his classroom when she had to be on the headquarters grounds for a million briefings anyway?

Voyager had been home for three months. There was a major gala held in their honor. There was one week of major briefings and workshops for "reaclimation" and then the Voyagers had gone their separate ways.

It sounded dramatic, but it wasn't. Most of the crew ended up working with other members on other projects. She was the only one who had "gone a separate way," and it was only away from him.

She'd been told by the Admiralty that she was to be placed on sabbatical for a year. It seemed extensive, but Admiral Paris has indicated that Starfleet wanted to promote her to Admiral as soon as possible, but it was impractical to expect her to function properly as an Admiral with a seven year gap of local policy knowledge. Her sabbatical was meant to be partly recreational, and partly catch-up.

It was a lot of catch-up, but it was a welcome distraction. She never imagined that she'd be home, surrounded by family and friends she hadn't seen for nearly a decade, and suddenly feel lonely.

She'd genuinely taken for granted how easy she had it just because he was there. He was always there. Even when he wasn't there, he was there. That was the beauty of being on such a small ship. Even when they were fighting, he was there.

She flopped backward on her bed, feeling stuck. She was not still romantically fixated on her first officer.

_Former first officer._

She wasn't. Hadn't she proven that? She'd risked a great deal and trusted in a great deal of fate to get them all back to Earth to avert a future where he wouldn't have to live without a woman he loved who wasn't her. Didn't that prove that she didn't feel that way about him anymore?

As far as he was concerned, she'd never felt that way at all. She knew that feelings had a way of not making sense when someone was under duress.

They were _always _under duress, from the moment they'd found themselves stranded. The moment she first felt attracted to him, having to keep him from assaulting Tom on the bridge in those first five minutes, she was certainly under duress. It was the adrenaline, she told herself then and now. He was, literally a rebel without a cause, and she was the authority he was challenging. The appeal of his character in those first few minutes, his dark hair and eyes, and his scent that, though faint, made her nostrils flare like a damned horse. Adrenaline and duress. All of it.

And on New Earth, how was being stranded again with only one human being for, as far as they knew, forever, a reliable situation on which to judge one's emotions?

Ridiculous.

Even more ridiculous, she had a feeling that her mother knew something wasn't right with her. She never said anything, but she seemed like she wanted to ask a lot more questions than she was asking. The poor woman probably thought Kathryn had gone through some great trauma and didn't want to push her into talking about the "horrible ordeal" she'd gone through.

If only her mother had any inclination of how silly her "ordeal" really was.

_Things would have been easier if he'd succeeded in sucking her out of the ship._

She felt guilty for thinking it. It was just so frustrating. She admitted freely that one of the reasons she hadn't wanted to reach out was because she didn't want it to come off as inappropriate. At one time, she looked forward to the idea of being able to take him to all the real live places that they'd visited on the Holodeck together. Hawaii… Lake George…

Well it wasn't going to happen now.

She also felt guilty because she was being selfish. Just because touring the world together would be weird now didn't mean that she should just cut off all ties and disappear.

_He hasn't reached out to me either. Aren't friendships supposed to go both ways?_

Now she was just being petty.

Kathryn sighed pathetically.

_Tomorrow. I will go tomorrow. I will get up, and I will put on one of those lovely comfortable pantsuits I bought with Phoebe and I will go see my best friend and stop being so absurd._


	3. Chapter 3

"Professor?"

In a brief moment of panic, Chakotay shoved the drawer closed, and stood up.

"Kathryn!" he shouldn't have been surprised to see her, and yet he was. He thought for a moment that his thoughts had conjured her, and he kept wondering it for a few minutes as he took it all in.

She didn't look the same out of uniform. Her slight form had taken up residence in a very beautiful silk pantsuit. It wasn't immodest by any means, but he'd never seen her look so comfortable in anything so feminine before. That, and her hair, which she'd begun to grow out and put up again, threw him for a moment.

She didn't seem to notice his eyes come to rest and stay on her bare neck and shoulders, which he could only remember seeing a handful of times in the last seven years.

That settled it. She was not a figment of his imagination. There was no way his imagination could have so perfectly reconstructed what her seldom-bare collarbone would look like in daylight.

"I feel so terrible!" she said, closing the distance between them quickly, but then halting just as quickly before she got close enough to touch him. "I should have visited earlier. I don't know what happened, I just…" She seemed to implore him with her expression.

"Kathryn," he said. He was trying very hard not to smirk.

"Yes?"

"You're babbling." He brought her briefly into his arms for a hug. He was as careful as he could be not to cling too long or let his hands grasp too much or fall to her waist, but it was hard. The suit she wore didn't just look like a cloud on her, and feeling how thin it was on her warm skin was nearly enough to make him stop everything, open the desk and tell her everything he'd been thinking for the last 10 minutes, seven years… eternity.

When they stepped apart, it was suddenly awkward. What did you talk about when you didn't have reports to share, or mission briefs or duty rosters?

"So since you brought it up," he began, eager for the silence to end. "Why haven't you been to see me before now?"

Kathryn forced a smile. She was struggling to come up with an answer that didn't include how she'd been coping with his absence. Any answer.

"I guess I was just so happy to be home and see my mother and family again that I just sort of… lost track of the time," she said. It felt like a weak answer, but he accepted it.

"Happens to all of us."

"But I see that the new job is agreeing with you," she said. "You look like you've lost weight!"

"A little," he said self-consciously. "It might come as a surprise, but as an academy professor I actually have a lot more free time than I did serving as your first officer."

"I hoped you might," she said. "I was just thinking the other day about all the projects you used to do… on the ship. The sand paintings and carvings and art. I was actually wondering if you'd been up to any new projects now that we're back. I'd love to see some!"

Chakotay's eyes fell back to the desk drawer. It was just an infatuation back then.

"_Don't tense up," B'lanna had said._

_Chakotay was having a hard time maintaining composure. He was also having a hard time concentrating, and sleeping. To be honest he was having a hard time not punching the bulkheads as he walked._

_The day the Captain has put him on report was probably one of the worst days of his life. _

_He really thought it couldn't get any worse, feeling the palpable disappointment radiating from her. He felt like an idiot. He'd gone off like a hothead and put an entire crew at risk. More than that, he'd disobeyed orders and just made himself look like an idiot in the most public way possible._

_Scratch that. He didn't care about being put on report. He cared about that look on her face. He cared about having no idea how long it would take to regain her trust._

_He tried to think of a worse day._

"_Congratulations are in order Chakotay."_

_He came up empty._

_That first night, he knew that this wretched day would soon turn into a series of wretched days. He needed a distraction. Something._

_That's when he saw the small blue pouch lying on the floor._

_It had fallen out of his bedside table with the rest of the contents when he'd knocked it to the deck in his frustration. _

_It came back to him, suddenly, his brief fantasy the last time he'd seen it. The idea that one day he'd be home again. One day he would have a home at home, with a woman he really loved and trusted and who loved and trusted him. Starting a family with that woman. Being the man he had always wanted to be._

_He snatched the pouch from the deck, and stalked to the Holodeck._

_It took him days to customize the program, but those were days he spent thinking about his first day on Voyager, his childhood and his father, instead of thinking about how quickly everything had gone horribly wrong._

_He found himself smiling for the first time in a week when he walked into the workshop. It was incredible; clean and smelling like Earth._

"_Can I help you young man?" the little old craftsman sat on the other side of the workbench in one of the corners._

"_I hope so," he said. He lifted the pouch and handed it to the man. The craftsman opened it carefully and dropped the contents into his wrinkled palm._

"_Oh!" said the little old man. Chakotay smiled again at his surprise. It was beautiful. _

"_You approve?"_

"_A piece like this doesn't need the approval of a mortal like me, young man," he chided. "And just what is it that you want my help with?"_

"_I'd like to make a gift," Chakotay said. "Maybe a pin or a necklace…But I've only ever worked with wood. I've never made jewelry before."_

"_A ring," the man said with a note of finality. _

"_A ring?" Chakotay was a little surprised by the man's determination._

"_Listen son," the man's piercing gaze now reminded Chakotay very much of his father. "You may be able to fool another young man like yourself, but I am old. You and I both know that this is meant to be a ring, and you and I both know what it's going to be for." The man smiled for a moment. "So let's get to work. Have you ever hammered gold before?"_

"How's Seven?"

"What?" Chakotay was brought out of his memory abruptly.

"Seven," Kathryn looked at him intently. "How is she?"

"Oh!" Chakotay couldn't find a way to tell Kathryn about what had happened with Seven without opening himself to a full inquiry. "She's fine."

Suddenly it was awkward again. Kathryn could tell Chakotay was uncomfortable, but didn't want to push the issue.

"No new projects though," he said finally.

"Oh," she said, disappointed. "Well maybe we should catch up while I'm still on sabbatical. I have some briefings I'm to attend this week. I'd love to see more of you while I'm here. Maybe we can brainstorm some ideas for things you weren't able to make in the Delta Quadrant."

"I'd love to," he said, meeting her eyes again.

"Tomorrow morning for coffee?"

"Still skipping breakfast?" Chakotay was still having trouble keeping his eyes away from her décolletage.

"Old habits Commander," she said. "Old habits."

"I'm not a Commander anymore," he replied.

She smiled, unsure of how to respond to that.

"I'll see you in the morning," she wanted to hug him again, but held back. "It was good to see you Chakotay."

His eyes stayed on the door after she left.

"_Being with me is an inefficient use of your time."_

Chakotay picked up a pad from his desk. He had papers to grade.


	4. Chapter 4

Chakotay might have got one paper graded before he gave up trying to concentrate. It was futile.

He received a chime reminder on his desk computer. He was supposed to have dinner tonight at B'lanna and Tom at their new apartment.

Wonderful.

He found himself almost irritated that Kathryn had showed up so soon in the days following Seven's abrupt departure. It made him wonder if they'd planned it that way.

_No. I think Kathryn's visit would have been a hell of a lot more awkward if that was the case._

Several hours later, Chakotay found himself in an equally awkward situation. Miral had gone to bed, and he was sitting on the couch. On another couch a few feet away, were B'lanna and Tom. He'd been unable to feign normalcy during the visit. It was painfully clear that he was feeling very preoccupied, and mildly dismal.

B'lanna and Tom tried their best, but it was pretty clear the fatigue they were feeling as new parents did not make them up to the task of pretense. So they waited in near silence, for Chakotay to get on with it and address the huge elephant in the room.

"Seven and I aren't seeing each other anymore," he said quietly.

"Oh, Chakotay," said Tom with sincere sympathy.

"Actually I'm kind of fine with it," said Chakotay, surprising himself. "The more I think about it the more I think it would have happened eventually anyway."

"Okay," said B'lanna slowly. "Well if you're fine with it, what's bothering you?"

Chakotay fell silent.

"Because clearly something is bothering you. It seems a little strange for you to be bothered but not by a breakup," she said. Seven years and B'lanna still couldn't express skepticism without a degree of condescension.

Chakotay was debating whether or not to get into the details.

"So what happened?" Tom spared him the decision.

"Well," Chakotay began. He took a deep breath. "She seems to be under the impression that I'm in love with the Captain."

B'lanna and Tom were quiet for what felt like a very long time.

"I see," B'lanna finally said.

"How exactly did she come to that conclusion?" Tom was doing a good job of leading him. At the moment, Chakotay couldn't think of any good reason not to let him.

"My personal logs," he said flatly.

"Oh that is JUST like her," B'lanna stood up and started to pace. Tom grabbed her hand before she could work herself up into a frenzy. "Well it is," she grumbled and returned to her seat.

"What did you tell her?" asked Tom, whose eyes had not left Chakotay.

"Nothing," said Chakotay. "It was very difficult to argue with her logic."

"Aint that the truth," said Tom, finally attempting to add some levity to the situation. "Why did she feel the need to go through your logs in the first place? They are called personal logs for a reason."

"She was disturbed by my lack of desire to discuss the prospect of us moving in together. She said she felt I'd been less than forthcoming about similar issues in the past and felt that trying to badger me about it would be an 'inefficient use of her time.'"

B'lanna scoffed.

"Weren't you bothered by her invasion of your privacy?" B'lanna said, still bothered by Seven's audacity.

"Honestly, I hadn't really thought about it," he said. "I suppose I should be."

"You suppose?" B'lanna's voice rose again.

"Is she right Chakotay?" Tom cut straight to the point.

Wordlessly, Chakotay reached into his pocket and brought out the box, handing it to Tom. His hand shook a little. No one else had ever seen it before, but finally getting to share it with someone was a huge weight off his shoulders.

Tom opened the box.

"Oh my God," B'lanna gasped. "Chakotay."

Tom whistled.

"Where did you get that?" B'lanna stared at the ring in awe, afraid to touch it.

"Sikaris," said Chakotay. Tom and B'lanna looked up at him in shock.

"You've had it for that long?" B'lanna's shock was almost funny.

"Actually I got the center stone on Sikaris. I made the setting myself in the Holodeck later that year," his voice actually swelled with a little bit of pride. He'd worked very hard on that setting.

"This wasn't going to be for Seven, was it," Tom said.

"No," said Chakotay. "I don't think it was."

"Did you ever tell her?" B'lanna's voice quavered.

"Of course not!" Chakotay was suddenly animated. "I didn't have the luxury of not working directly for the person I was in love with." Despite his frustration, it felt good to finally say that out loud.

"I'm sorry Chakotay," B'lanna said. "I didn't mean it like that."

"But you don't anymore," said Tom.

"No," said Chakotay. "Not anymore."

"So now what?" asked Tom, still admiring the contents of the box.

"I don't know," said Chakotay. "She stopped by my office today. We're supposed to have coffee in twelve hours. I didn't know how to tell her about Seven."

"Don't," said Tom suddenly.

"Why not?" Chakotay was surprised.

"Because women are usually more attracted to a man who appears to be unavailable," he said.

"Tom!" B'lanna smacked her husband.

"What!" he said. "It's true. It might sound unclassy but you can't argue with biology! Men and women who are desired by others become more attractive to members of the opposite sex. Besides, it sounds like Chakotay is going to need every trick in the book."

"For what?" Chakotay waited for an explanation.

"To get the girl Chakotay. What else?" Tom tossed the ring box back to him.


	5. Chapter 5

Chakotay never asked Kathryn to meet for coffee after that first time, but the following day when he found his feet leading him back to the Academy's café she was already waiting for him.

Morning coffee turned into morning coffee and then lunch. Eventually they were back to coffee, lunch and then dinner twice a week.

He found himself rearranging his schedule to keep meetings with her that they never had to make. The highlight of his day was seeing her smiling face waiting for him, and the only time anything seemed to impede perfection was when they'd accidentally chosen to bring the same bottle of wine to dinner.

In other words, it was absolute perfection.

On some level he felt that he should be dissatisfied with the complacency of feeling like everything was right with the world as long as they still had what they had on Voyager, but he didn't.

The fact that he hadn't told her about Seven nagged at him though. The nonexistent relationship was both a convenient way to not push Kathryn into a romantic relationship and an overwhelming obstacle to any possible future.

"Have you decided whether or not you're going to stay in Starfleet?" he found himself asking.

The question seemed to quell her happiness for a moment, and he immediately regretted asking it.

"I don't know," she said after a moment. She uncrossed her legs, then crossed them again, fidgeting in another one of her beautiful silk pantsuits. "I don't know if I'm ready to leave Earth again just yet, but I don't know if my family in Indiana is enough to keep me in real gravity. It wasn't before."

"What do you think would make you stay?" he pushed a little, trying not to worry visibly about her possible answer.

She shrugged.

"I don't know," she said. "Maybe a dog!"

"Another Irish Setter?"

"No," she was sad again all of a sudden. "Maybe one of those little ankle biting ones."

Chakotay laughed.

"I'd give you a day before you threw it out the window," he said, still chuckling.

"Chakotay!" she admonished, then smiled. "You're probably right."

She got quiet again, and started pushing the food on her plate around with her fork.

"Mother's after me to start a family," she said quietly to her fork.

Chakotay wasn't sure how to reply. He waited to see if she'd change the subject.

"There were so few men I would ever even consider having children with though," she said. "I could probably count them on one hand… less than that I think."

"Would you still pursue any of them now?" he asked.

"Nope," she stabbed a piece of chicken. "They seem to be otherwise engaged."

"Well maybe your mother will still get her wish," he said. "It's not every day the long lost Amazon princess returns home, which reminds me, where did you get all of these silk suits you've been wearing?"

Her gratified smile made up for the awkward segue.

"Well, I don't know if you'd understand Chakotay, but suffice it to say, you simply cannot skate out of seven years of shopping sprees with your sister and not have a whole wardrobe within a week of coming home."

"I'll have to thank your sister then," he smiled. "You look absolutely breathtaking in all of them."

Kathryn blushed.

He wasn't kidding. Today's suit was a deep plum color, and when the blazer was off, the tank hugged her beautifully. The suit alone made her look ten years younger, and each color seemed to highlight a different beloved feature. It made him want, not for the first time, to simply get on with it; tell the Captain that he and Seven weren't together anymore and to inform her that he was in desperate need of a Command Level officer in his bed.

…immediately.

The threat of another few months without her company was enough to squash the impulse.

"What about you Chakotay?" Kathryn finally put the fork down, and held her hands in her lap. "Anyone badgering you about procreating now that we're back home?"

"No," he said, now eyeing his own fork.

She regretted asking, remembering suddenly that she had been there the first time he'd considered fatherhood.

"I find that I'd love to be a father," he said seriously. "I haven't found the right woman yet."

Kathryn was surprised by his answer. What did that mean? Was Seven not the right woman to have children with? She wanted to ask, but found that she couldn't.

"Anyway," he shook his head, as if to rid it of troubling thoughts. "We haven't even been home a year yet. What's the rush?"

"Tell that to my mother!"

Chakotay smiled, feeling the weight of the box in his right pocket.

_Not now._

"Chakotay, I've been thinking," Kathryn began. "I found myself daydreaming about all of the things we used to do together on the holodeck."

Chakotay looked up at her, trying not to grin from ear to ear at her inadvertent choice of words.

"I was thinking that we should go to Lake George, the real Lake George."

Chakotay wasn't smiling anymore. He felt blood rush to his face.

Lake George was one of those few times when he got the chance to see the flawless ivory collarbone of Captain Janeway. She was escaping a brush with death, and invited him along for the journey. There was moonlight. There was champagne. She was wearing a tunic that bared her shoulders and décolletage, and as she dozed late in the evening, he found himself holding her. Her back was pressed against his chest, and her head rested on his shoulder.

Just before waking, he leaned his head into her neck, and gently kissed her collarbone, resting his lips on it for as long as he felt it was safe to. Even that wasn't enough. She didn't wake right away, and he regretted pulling away so soon. He groaned softly into the night in frustration, and just as he was going to tighten his hold on her and steal another one, she woke up and apologized for falling asleep on him.

It was the most wonderful torture he had that entire year.

"Chakotay?"

"Yes!" he said, maybe a little too enthusiastically. "I would love to go to Lake George with you. Just a day trip?"

"Well," she said, "if you want. If you don't have any plans though I was thinking we could stay at the Sagamore. I've never gotten to stay at the resort. Phoebe and I would camp nearby while Mom and Dad would stay at the hotel. Phoebe and I used to stay up late and look at the lights on the resort from our tents talking about how romantic it must be for our parents to want to keep us out with the bugs!" she laughed.

"Well that will be one disadvantage about the real thing," Chakotay said. "No way to program the bugs away."

"Still," said Kathryn, "there's something to be said for authenticity."

"Well I'll bring the bug repellent," he said.

"See that you do," Kathryn stood up, knowing that Chakotay needed to get back to his classes and knowing that he never stood up first. "Don't forget that we're supposed to have dinner with Tom and B'lanna tomorrow night."

"I won't," and he watched her leave.


	6. Chapter 6

**I'm sorry for the delay. Things have been so hectic! The only reason I found time to write again this soon is because one of my kids is sick and asleep. I'm writing in between bouts of cleaning up vomit. :(**

**That being said, I really appreciate the interest, the follows and the reviews. Nothing motivates you to write more than an audience wanting to take the journey to the end of the story with you!  
**

**So please enjoy, and review.**

"Wow," said B'lanna, putting her hand over Kathryn's to keep her from changing the holo-image before she was ready. "That looks so romantic!"

Kathryn chuckled nervously.

"Well I don't know about romantic B'lanna," she lied easily. "It's certainly glamorous though. Now that I'm an adult I know better, but when Phoebe and I were children we used to watch the lights from the outside and dream about the fantastic parties and costumes people who stayed there must wear."

"So where are you and Chakotay staying at?" B'lanna asked, thumbing through the gallery again. Kathryn had been eager to get excited about the trip with someone, and she'd been babysitting Miral so frequently that B'lanna seemed like the obvious choice.

"Well," Kathryn looked like a kitten with cream all of a sudden. "Being something of a celebrity seems to have some perks after all, because I managed to get the castle."

"The castle," B'lanna deadpanned. "The summer home modeled to look like a castle. The one filled with hard wood floors and antiques, with five fireplaces and a lakeside entrance."

Kathryn nodded.

"Oh no," said B'lanna. "That doesn't sound romantic at all."

"It'll be more nostalgic for me than anything," said Kathryn. "And there are six bedrooms, so tell your smirk to put Chakotay and I in separate ones where they belong."

"You know," B'lanna said, "at one time, before we really knew each other I wouldn't have pegged Chakotay as the kind of man who would have been at all interested in romance. I mean, when we were still Maquis, and he was with Seska…"

Kathryn winced at the name. B'lanna didn't seem to notice.

"He just," she went on, "they seemed like they were having fun, or at least she did. The whole thing, looking back, seems pretty superficial now. It wasn't healthy at all, not that I had much to compare it to at the time. Sometimes when she wasn't around and we were off-world he'd take up with a random woman he barely knew just to convince us, and maybe himself, that he didn't want anything more than casual intimacy."

Kathryn was uncomfortable with this glimpse she was getting of Chakotay's past. She thought she knew a lot about his whole life after seven years of getting to know him.

_Oh come on, how much detail did you go into when the subject of Mark came up? Or anyone else you were ever intimate with._

"He was different after…." B'lanna swallowed. "after being on Voyager, and after being around you."

"Well we were bound to rub off on one another after seven years," said Kathryn. "I still keep the medicine bundle he made me to talk to my spirit guide, though I'm still having trouble making the time to use it the way he does."

B'lanna smiled, and bit her lip thoughtfully. Kathryn could dance around really talking about her feelings and her relationship with Chakotay as much as she wanted. But here she was, planning a ridiculously romantic Christmas Eve getaway with him, and judging by some of her evasive responses she didn't seem to be aware of Chakotay and Seven's split yet.

The whole thing was… interesting, and a little uncharacteristic for a real stickler for protocol like Janeway.

Kathryn almost seemed to be aware of B'lanna's train of thought. She had a slightly pained look on her face and was wringing her hands a little.

"So show me photos of the resort at night," said B'lanna.

Kathryn brightened, and started swiping through the holo-imager again.

"So Christmas eve?" Tom said, chopping carrots for the dinner salad.

"She said the best way to avoid bugs was to go ahead and plan a trip in the dead of winter instead of waiting for spring." Chakotay paused for a moment, worrying a spinach leaf raw between his fingers.

Chakotay was highly conflicted about the upcoming trip to Lake George. When he agreed, all he could think about was being back in that moment on the holodeck.

But Seven wasn't the elephant in the room back then.

He wanted so much to tell Kathryn that he and Seven weren't together anymore; that he didn't even know where Seven was because she hadn't talked to him at all since their bizarre confrontation in his office.

Every time he tried, he couldn't. He'd find himself full of irrational fears. She'd get angry at him for not telling her sooner. She'd get angry at him for hurting Seven. She'd want to go comfort Seven and he'd go another series of months without hearing from her at all.

She was so excited about this trip. She came to his office for coffee after booking it, her whole body sparkling and animated. She gushed about the accommodations and how the lights were especially spectacular during the holiday season.

He wanted to be excited with her. He wanted to go drown himself in romance with her, and to not feel awkward about wanting to hold her hand and wrap his arms around her and curl up with her in front of one of those fireplaces.

He didn't know if he could do this with her and keep up the pretense of a mere close friendship. This wasn't like anything they'd done on the ship, where they could go stare at the moonlight together and then end the program and go separate ways. This was not a trip that fell into their normal parameters.

An observation that had him speculating about what she was thinking, too. He wanted very much to ask why she thought this was such a good idea, and why she wanted to take him. Why hadn't she asked about Seven? Why had she picked the castle? Why in the age of transporter technology was she so adamant and excited about an overnight trip?

"So an overnight trip?" Tom smiled shamelessly. "You told her about you and Seven then?"

"No, Tom, I haven't." Chakotay swallowed.

Tom looked up sharply, and Chakotay thought about snatching his knife away before he cut himself.

"You haven't told her?"

"No," Chakotay said again, looking down at the counter.

"And this whole trip was her idea?"

"Yes." Chakotay gripped the table, wishing his thoughts would stay in his head instead of coming out of Tom's mouth.

Tom whistled.

"Well," he starting cutting again. "That's pretty interesting. I never took the Captain for the clandestine type."

"If that's what she wanted," said Chakotay defensively, "she had seven years of opportunity."

"True," said Tom. His brows furrowed in puzzlement. "What could be going through her head?"

Chakotay glared at him. He couldn't help it. Tom's perpetual cheer was further souring his mood.

"What's going through your head?" Tom smiled as Chakotay's glare deepened. "Are you afraid that all the holo-novel style romance will be too much for you; that you won't be able to keep your hands off the good captain after a few hours in front of a real fireplace?"

Chakotay unclenched his hands from the counter and started ripping lettuce leaves again.

"Don't be ridiculous Tom," Chakotay smiled with feigned relaxation. "I'm not a teenager."

"Uh huh…" Tom smiled wider. Chakotay frowned.

Dinner was a somewhat awkward affair for Chakotay and B'lanna. Kathryn and Tom were gushing about Lake George, seemingly oblivious to their quieter counterparts.

Chakotay kept staring at his food, trying not to think about the trip at all, and B'lanna kept shaking her head at him and the Captain. Every so often Tom would throw in some off-hand comment about romance and she bit her lip to keep from saying something so many times she was afraid she might chew through her face.

They'd put on their coats and were about to leave when Tom started to laugh.

"Well would you look at that?" he said, gesturing to the door frame, where he'd hung a sprig of mistletoe. "I wonder how that got there."

"I don't," said B'lanna, looking surly.

Kathryn looked up at the mistletoe and smiled at Chakotay. He stepped out to the porch to wait for her, and Kathryn looked back at Tom, smirking. Tom's face fell.

"Nice try Tom," she said, and closed the door behind her.


	7. Chapter 7

**The Lake George Chapter. I hope you all have been looking forward to this as much as I have.**

**Enjoy, and review if you have a moment. Your badgering gets my plot bunnies firing. ;)**

The castle was amazing. Unfortunately for Chakotay, they weren't in the castle.

"Just a little further," called Kathryn from ahead.

"You said that twenty minutes ago!" Chakotay shouted back in frustration.

"I know," said Kathryn. "This seemed like a better idea before we put it into practice."

"You mean," Chakotay struggled. The tree was enormous. "Before you put it into practice and conned me into coming along for the ride, just like you always do."

Kathryn dropped the tree.

"Is that how you feel about us?" Kathryn said after she'd walked back to him. Her face glistened with sweat, and her cheeks and nose were red from the cold.

To be honest, Chakotay had been a little irritated when she said she specifically asked for the perfectly good Christmas tree the resort had provided to be removed before their arrival so they could go cut their own. She insisted that it was something she used to do every year, and that she just missed it. At first he found it endearing, but the tree she'd chosen had to be almost four meters tall and he'd been dragging it for almost an hour now.

But his heart swelled when she said 'us.'

"Of course not," he said. "I just get grumpy when I'm cold."

"Well if you're cold," she said quietly, bringing her face closer to his, "you must not be working hard enough!" She giggled and traipsed back up to the front of the tree, grabbing her (lighter) end.

Chakotay groaned.

The most frustrating part of the tree endeavor actually came after they got it inside. Chakotay wanted nothing more than to peel off every layer of clothing and collapse on one of the lavish loveseats in the 'family' room, but Kathryn wouldn't hear of it until the tree was up.

That took another hour. Chakotay had never put up a tree before, and Kathryn wouldn't accept anything less than a perfectly straight tree. Chakotay's muscles wanted to use their last ounce of energy to strangle her, but every chuckle that escaped her when he lost control of the tree was like magic. She never laughed enough on the ship. So he just complained light-heartedly until it was finally up.

But it took its toll, and the minute he was finished he begged off to go strip down and have a bath.

Each of the six bedrooms had their own whirlpool tub, and for that Chakotay was exceedingly grateful. He thought about the stories his grandmother told him about water pipes freezing during the winter and how difficult it was to get hot water to an old house and Chakotay shuddered.

He couldn't imagine how awful it would have been to have nothing to look forward to after the trial of the Christmas tree but a cold bath. He didn't think he could do it. He'd chop the stupid thing up and feed it to the fire if it kept him warm, Christmas spirit be damned.

He wanted to stay in the bath even longer, but with barely enough energy to actually use soap he was worried that if he stayed he'd fall asleep in the tub and drown himself.

He drew himself up and out of the bath, and, feeling truly decadent, used two towels to dry off and wrapped a fresh one around himself. He was a little too warm after scalding himself for the heavy bathrobe on the door.

He went down to the kitchen, thinking that he might pour himself a drink, then he remembered the exertion he'd put himself through at Kathryn's behest and thought better of it. His muscles would not thank him tomorrow if he indulged.

He made himself a cup of tea instead. He intended to take it back upstairs with him, but he figured Kathryn would be in her bath for another twenty minutes at least, so he sat gingerly on the sofa in front of the fireplace, enjoying the feeling of warmth on his naked toes and chest.

* * *

He must have been truly entranced by the firelight, because he didn't even realize that Kathryn had come into the room until he felt her comfortably cold hands on his shoulders.

He jumped a little.

"Sorry," she said quietly. She started rubbing his shoulders with her small fingers. "I know it's been a few years, but I know I owe you one and I always repay my debts."

Her heart leapt to her throat when he groaned in response.

He leaned his head back and relaxed. Her hands felt so good, and he was so incredibly sore.

She chuckled a little when he gasped as she reached a particularly sore spot and kneaded it with her thumb.

"For some reason," he said after a few minutes, his head lolling a little, "it never occurred to me that you'd be so good at that."

Kathryn's hands slowed behind him, and he suddenly knew that he'd said the wrong thing and that she was about to pull her hands away.

She didn't say anything, but he felt one hand leave his shoulder. He reached up and snatched the other before it could make its escape. He didn't look up at her, but wouldn't let go either.

"I didn't mean it like that," he said quietly. He found, to his surprise, that he wasn't tired anymore.

"I know," she said, and he could hear the vulnerability in her voice.

It might not have been a credit to his chivalry, but his heart zeroed in on that waver. Before thinking it through, he pulled her down to him, gently but firmly, and kissed her.

He felt her heart, beating madly, when he grabbed her around the waist and pulled her to him, right over the sofa. He wouldn't allow the kiss to be broken, and it was more perfect than he could have imagined. Her whole body felt refreshing, like a cool drink of water, and kissing her felt incredibly new and incredibly familiar all at once. It was like he'd kissed her a thousand times, and never.

It was slow and deliberate passion, but passion nonetheless. Chakotay struggled not to be too rough or forceful after having waited so long, and chose to save admiring glances at her whole body for later. He refused to stop touching her even for an instant. To give her even a moment's pause was to invite her version of rational thought, and he didn't think he could bear to stop touching her.

And so he eagerly made sure she was… occupied, until she moaned his name and he knew that she wouldn't make him stop.

After, he allowed himself to feel absurd joy as she wrapped her body around his and dozed. When he was sure she'd fallen asleep, he let his head fall back and surrendered to his quickly returning fatigue.

* * *

When he woke, it was dark outside, and Kathryn was sitting on the rug in front of the fireplace with her robe wrapped around her.

"Kathryn?" He sat up a little.

"I can't believe we did this to Seven," she said sorrowfully, staring at the flames.

"Aaargh," Chakotay groaned, and leaned back down. "Kathryn, Seven and I aren't together anymore."

"What?" Kathryn looked at him this time, shock all over her face.

"She came to my office and broke it off the day before you came to see me that first time," he said. "We haven't done anything wrong." He was attempting to look reassuring. She did not look reassured.

"When were you going to tell me this?" she stood up, angry now.

"I don't know," said Chakotay. "You didn't ask."

"I can't believe you would do this with me," she gestured to the sofa, "without telling me that you weren't together anymore."

"You're not serious." Chakotay stood up now, wrapping his forgotten towel back around himself.

"It's kind of a big detail to leave out, isn't it?" Kathryn crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"Hey," Chakotay was suddenly regretting not pouring himself that drink. "Don't get angry at me for doing exactly what you wanted me to."

"What are you talking about?"

"This," Chakotay gestured to the interior of the house. "Lake George, the castle… all of it. It's pretty obvious how all of this fits into a perfect romance for you isn't it? The only thing that isn't obvious is why you would have chosen me to come here with you."

"We're friends Chakotay," she said helplessly.

"Then why aren't Tom and B'Elanna here with us?" he fired back. "This is a six bedroom house Kathryn. I have a hard time believing you don't have enough friends to fill it with."

Kathryn looked away.

"I can't believe that you would set me up like this, and then act like I'm the worst person in the world for loving you," he said.

"I did not set you up," she said, but she wouldn't meet his eyes. "It's not like that with us."

"Then what Kathryn," Chakotay felt helpless now. "Mark just not available for getaways anymore?"

It was a low blow, and he regretted it the moment it came out of his mouth.

"I never came here with Mark," she said quietly, "and clearly it was a mistake to ask you."

She made a beeline for the stairs.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"Away from you," she called down from the stairs, refusing to turn around.

Chakotay watched her walk up the stairs, and then walked resolutely to the kitchen to get that drink.

* * *

Chakotay waited all night in the family room for her to come back downstairs, but she didn't.

Finally, at around 10 AM, he went up to her room. He knew Kathryn had planned to go home to Indiana for Christmas Dinner at around noon. After two minutes of him knocking and her not answering he got worried and opened the door.

The room was empty. Completely empty. Her things were gone, the bed was made, and he saw her tracks leading out of the entrance to the deck and off the property.

"You're a coward Kathryn Janeway," he muttered to himself.


	8. Chapter 8

**Getting warmer. Maybe one more chapter I'm thinking.**

"This is better than television," said Tom, after Chakotay had finished telling him and B'Elanna about what had transpired at Lake George.

B'Elanna elbowed him in the ribs.

"What?" said Tom indignantly.

Chakotay wasn't sure how much he wanted to be around people right now, but he did promise to be at the Paris' for Christmas Dinner. He should have expected that they'd grill him about the Lake the minute he walked through the door. To their credit, they waited until after dinner.

"Thanks Tom," said Chakotay. "Your sensitivity is greatly appreciated."

"I knew you should have told her about Seven," said B'Elanna sadly.

"Hell I knew I should have told her B'Elanna," said Chakotay, rocking back a little in frustration.

"Alright alright," said Tom. "So I gave you bad advice. If I always gave good advice, Harry would be a Captain with five kids by now."

"It would have been nice for you to add that disclaimer before you got him into this mess," said B'Elanna.

"No," said Chakotay. "It's not your fault Tom. I should have told her."

"Do you think that would have changed everything though?" B'Elanna asked.

Chakotay paused, confused.

"What do you mean?" He leaned forward on his seat, wondering where this was going.

"Well, it's easy to see her being upset that you didn't tell her about Seven because she's such a 'this is how things are supposed to be' kind of a person, but it also doesn't make sense for her to have planned that elaborate weekend without expecting that something might happen," B'Elanna stirred the tea she was steeping for him thoughtfully. "Even if nothing had happened at all, the Janeway I know would have thought a getaway weekend was inappropriate if you were with Seven."

Chakotay groaned.

"I did also accuse her of setting me up," said Chakotay.

"Well," said B'Elanna, biting her lip, "she kind of did."

"That doesn't sound like her," said Chakotay.

"I know," said B'Elanna, "but maybe it wasn't something she was aware she was doing? Maybe she's angrier at herself than at you, or maybe she's not really angry at all… just confused."

* * *

_Chakotay was moving as fast as he could through the Plaza on Sikaris, trying to round up the last of the crew without causing any alarm._

_He was just about to reach an ensign, whose name he couldn't yet recall, when Gath stepped in front of him._

"_Commander," said Gath. "If I might have a word with you."_

_Chakotay reluctantly followed him to his "office," though lounge would have been more apt._

_There was no real desk. The room was, for the most part, stuffed with inconspicuous shelving and color coordinated lounge seats and pillows. The decorating was lovely, but Chakotay was having a hard time understanding how a society could function in a perpetual state of relaxation._

"_Your Captain," Gath said, giving him little time to speculate. "She is very angry with me."_

_Chakotay stood silent. How exactly did Gath expect him to respond?_

"_Rightfully so," Gath said, looking at the floor. "I said some horrible things to her."_

_Chakotay shuffled his feet uncomfortably._

"_You know what it's like, don't you?" Gath pleaded. "You meet a woman so beautiful and with such a compassionate soul and you would say almost anything to try and spend another moment in her presence!"_

_Chakotay swallowed. In fact, he'd tried very hard not to think about his Captain that way at all. In that moment, he found himself actually feeling bad for Gath, as pompous and asinine as the man was._

"_Look," said Gath. "I know I can't say anything that would correct the situation, but I wonder if I might ask you a favor?"_

"_A favor?" Chakotay was apprehensive._

"_Yes," said Gath, reaching for a small pouch on one of the shelves. "I wonder if you might keep this."_

_Chakotay opened the pouch and dropped its contents into his open palm. It was a small gemstone, canary yellow, and he had to admit that there was something about the way it caught the light that made it entirely captivating and exceedingly beautiful._

"_I don't think she will want it now," Gath said. "She is so angry." _

_Gath looked down again in sorrow._

"_But perhaps, one day, when her appreciation of beauty is not painful to her because of how far away your home is, she may want to remember this place," Gath met Chakotay's eyes. "When she no longer carries those burdens, I think she'll enjoy the pleasure that looking at it will bring."_

_Chakotay closed his palm._

"_Okay," he said quietly. _

_He felt obligated to tell the Captain about the meeting almost as soon as they left the system, and immediately regretted it._

"_What?" _

_Chakotay could tell, immediately, that she had hoped to never hear Gath's name again._

"_He said he knew you probably wouldn't want it now," said Chakotay, "but he wanted me to give you a gift."_

_Chakotay opened his palm and showed the Captain the stone. He could see on her face that she wasn't immune to its beauty, but he could also tell that she was still feeling extraordinarily bitter about their dealings on Sikaris._

_She looked away from it, her eyes glistening._

"_Get rid of it," she ordered._

"_What do you want me to do with it?"_

"_I don't care," she said, struggling to maintain her composure. "I just don't want it."_

_Chakotay remembered Gath's last words to him._

"_Captain," he said. "Maybe I should just… keep it for you. Maybe one day, after we've reached Earth, you might decide you want it after all."_

"_Maybe," she said gruffly. "But right now we're still decades from home and I don't… I don't have the luxury of keeping souvenirs from every planet we visit."_

"_I'll keep it then," he said. "And if you ever decide you want it you'll know where it is."_

"_Fine Commander," she said, touched but near breaking, "you're dismissed."_

* * *

Later, Chakotay sat on the Paris' porch swing, looking at the ring he'd been carrying for years now. Something about what B'Elanna had said had made him think of that day, when Gath had unwittingly given Chakotay insight into the conflicted psyche of the Captain that served him for years.

Kathryn had spent years practicing nothing but self-sacrifice. Was B'Elanna right? Was she angry and confused by enjoying something she felt she still shouldn't enjoy?

Seven years was a long time, long enough to form habits that would have been very difficult to break.

Maybe he was just as guilty. Maybe he hadn't told her about Seven for the same reason he hadn't told her he was with Seven in the first place. On some level was he just in the habit of trying to put as little pressure on her as possible, hiding his personal problems despite their tendency to cause both of them problems in the long run?

Even on the Lake, things had been almost exactly the same as they'd been on the ship when they allowed themselves a bit of time alone in the holodeck. They could play at happiness while still never crossing those boundaries.

Until he changed the parameters.

He refused to entertain the idea that making love to her had been a mistake.

But maybe he should have given it more time, time to break those habits.

He shook his head.

_We've spent enough time holding back as it is._

So what now? An apology was clearly in order. Would it be enough?

_Just steer clear of the angry warrior legends,_ said the voice in his head. _It sounded ridiculous then and it would sound ridiculous now. _

_And it didn't work._

Chakotay snapped the box shut. It was time to 'get the girl.'


	9. Chapter 9

**I think this is it. I've been picturing this scene in my head since I started writing.**

**I hope you've enjoyed the ride. Thanks for reading and reviewing!**

Chakotay waited till New Year's Day, still celebrated on Earth, to go approach Kathryn at her apartment in San Francisco.

It was a sentimental reflex on his part, but as he stood in the lift going up to her floor, he felt incredibly stupid. She was probably celebrating with her family in Indiana and wouldn't even be here.

He knocked, but there was no answer. On impulse, he tried the door, and was surprised when it was unlocked. Maybe she was here after all.

The floor creaked a little underfoot, and he smiled, thinking about how typical it was of her to pick the oldest apartment building she could find to live in.

The lights were off inside, but there was plenty of ambient light coming from the many wide windows, despite the gray of the overcast sky.

He'd been here before, but for some reason being in her apartment after the things that had happened between them recently felt different… His fingers were warm and jittery with anticipatory electricity and profound nervousness.

He stopped before entering the living area and looked up at the ceiling in momentary silent prayer.

_Spirits don't let me mess this up._

She wasn't in the living area, and the lights were off there too. He peered around, not wanting to venture upstairs and upset her if he could help it.

Then he saw her, standing on her balcony outside in the same blue silk pantsuit she'd been wearing that day in his office when she'd come back for him.

_Come back for him._

Chakotay smiled. Somehow, even though he knew it was blatant speculation, he also knew that he was right. She'd come back for him, like she had a million times before and would a million times more.

And now he was getting ready to come back for her, just as he'd done a million times before and would a million times more.

His heart swelled with new confidence. He was far too in love to fail.

Each step echoed on the floor as he walked toward the glass doors leading outside. He was a little shocked that she didn't hear him already, but he could see the breeze whipping her hair around and figured the wind noise was probably pretty substantial.

He took a deep breath as his hand closed on the door handle, and pushed.

Kathryn turned around.

"Kathryn," he began, hoping to get her to listen before she got angry again.

"Chakotay!" she was surprised at first, and then held up her hand before he could say anymore.

"No Chakotay," she said, and his heart stopped beating for a moment. "Don't apologize."

"But I," Chakotay pressed on.

"Chakotay," she said, sounding a little exasperated, "you have nothing to apologize for."

Chakotay stopped, surprised.

Kathryn sighed.

"I had no right to expect you to tell me anything at all about your relationship with Seven," she said. "I know that neither of us exactly planned what happened at the Lake, even if it seems silly now to not have expected it."

She took a deep breath, and met his eyes.

"The truth is that if I'd really wanted to know, I would have asked," she said. "I never asked. I never made it my business. I never let myself entertain the idea that we might be behaving differently than casual friends would behave."

She stopped and turned back around to face the view. He wasn't sure if he liked where this was going. He didn't know how to respond, so he just moved next to her and tried to take in the moment. He wasn't sure if he was going to get another one.

They just stood there, quietly. Chakotay felt the breeze on his face, and a curious sensation that he enjoyed; the warm feeling of his proximity to Kathryn fighting the chill in the air.

Kathryn smiled.

"I've got this wild idea," she said. "I've given it a lot of thought, and I think that you should move in here."

Chakotay's face was now slack with shock.

"Well think about it," she said. "It's incredibly inconvenient for us to keep having almost three meals a day together when we live almost a half a city away. It's such an incredible waste of time and commute. If I decide to go stay in Starfleet it's only going to get worse with the longer hours of the Admiralty they've offered."

He searched her gaze. She sounded like she might be joking, but he wasn't sure why a joke like that would be funny right now.

She looked away, suddenly serious. She clenched the railing on the balcony in her hands and leaned back, as if to ready herself for a great leap, and then she relaxed again and met his eyes.

"I don't think I'm going back Chakotay," she said. She seemed mildly distressed by the revelation. "I'm tired. I'm tired of saying goodbye. I'm tired of empty space. I'm tired of being the Captain."

Chakotay tried to keep up. He still couldn't think of anything to say.

"Most of all," she said. "I'm tired of calling the shots."

Kathryn shifted from one foot to the other, struggling to continue with her uncomfortable admission.

"I am," she responded like he'd expressed disbelief, even though he hadn't said anything. "For seven years, maybe longer, I've been making all the decisions; the life or death ones and the little ones alike. I decided to get us stranded in the Delta Quadrant. I decided that our principals were more important than how fast we got home. I decided that for the sake of my ship and crew that I would never tell you how I felt about you or let myself daydream about a future that might never come."

She paused, her voice breaking a little, and wiped a tear away.

"I'm just so tired Chakotay," she said. "I don't want to make the decisions anymore."

He opened his arms to her and she eagerly jumped into his embrace, clinging to him like she never had before.

"Well then," he said, trying not to be overcome with emotion himself, "I'll only ask you to make one more decision."

Kathryn released him, and took a step back, looking at him with puzzlement.

He reached into his pocket and brought out the box. He thought briefly about kneeling, but was sure he'd fall over and completely ruin the moment, so instead he just opened it for her wordlessly.

Her hands jumped to her heart.

"Oh my," she whispered. He watched the emotions play across her face, as she recognized the stone.

"This didn't have a band on it the last time I saw it," she said quietly.

"I know," he replied, taking the ring out of the box and slipping it on her finger, "I told you I'd keep it for you, and even though you never asked for it I've never been able to even imagine giving it to anyone else."

"You waited so long," she started to sob, despite herself.

"No," he said, pulling her into his embrace again. "Don't cry. It was worth it Kathryn. It was all worth it."

She pressed her face into him, trying not to cry and found that she seemed to have lost her ability to put up a front.

"Oh," he said, distracting her from her overwhelming emotions. "You're right, by the way."

She sniffled, and looked up at him.

"We should definitely move in together," he smiled. "It's just impractical for us to start sleeping together and keep our possessions in two different homes."

Kathryn burst out laughing at the absurdity of his reasoning, and kissed him, feeling him lift her off her feet and carry her to the safety of home.

"So you're going to make all the decisions now?" she smiled in his arms.

"Well I don't know," said Chakotay. "I imagine there are a few decisions you'll still want to make."

"Like what?" She shifted as he set her down on the couch.

"Like how you're going to tell Starfleet that you've had a change in career plans, or what we're having for dinner tonight, what kind of house you want us to live in, how many children we're going to have and what their names will be…"

"I thought I just told you I didn't want to make all the decisions anymore!" she smacked his chest with the back of her hand.

"Ow," he said. "You be careful with that thing. That's quite a rock you've got there."

"I suppose you're right," she said. "There are a few things I'll still want to have priority over."

"Just a few?" he asked, smiling knowingly.

"Mmmhmm," she said. "Like how much of the day I'm going to spend in here with you without clothes."

"Oh," he said. "I think I might want some input on that one."

"I thought you might," she said, taking his face in her hands again.

"Finally!" he threw his head back in exasperation, and Kathryn laughed heartily in his arms before giving him something else to think about.


End file.
